Crystal Clash

Two words – tower defence. At least that’s the lie I was sold when I found this game on Keymailer.
You can see my first play here. I’ll be honest, it lasted longer than it should have done.

Crystal Clash on Steam

According to the game blurb it boasts:

  • Completely free-to-play
    Fucking good job to be honest.
  • Short, intense 2v2 and Co-Op matches
    Short because one fuck up or a useless teammate and you get steam rollered faster than cancel culture can fuck up another TERF.
  • Deck-building
    Ignore this, its shit. Its like a nod to MTG in the same way a monkey flinging shit is a nod to abstract art.
  • PvE-challenges
    They’re shit and with little reward
  • Five playable Legions
    I gave up after 4?
  • Dual-colour decks
    Stop trying to be MTG. Just stop.

Initially I was excited about the co-op feature but this is online co-op only. Which is a shame because local co-op is what everyone needs more of. Yes the game might be free but after Duck saw my first battle suck harder than a casting couch girl from the 80’s and he didn’t want to sully his laptop with it… and I am glad he didn’t.

A Brief History of Spam, an American Meat Icon - Eater

Basically when you unlocked the roaming Gatling shooty towers from the blue people you can steam roller anyone. No tactics just fucking spam.

That’s the main let down of this game, there is zero skill involved. Fucking none.

Not to mention, you get the same strip of battleground over and over until you get bored and stop playing.

Did we mention its a good fucking job it was free?

Shiney rating
0 Paws out of 5
Spam units, rinse and repeat. A game without tactics and substance that tries too hard to do too much and is ultimately a jack of all trades and a master of bollocks. Don’t waste your life hours on this.

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