Diamond Hands To The Moon

Firstly, I would like to start off with an apology to Egg King, Diamond Hands to the Moon is without a doubt the worst game house Shiney has ever played, and has therefore stolen the crown of worst game of 2021.

If you would like to see our first (and last) attempt at this game, you can here.

On first glance, this game had all the promise of an old retro platformer like Bomb Jack and the cover artwork was a nice nod to Donkey Kong. Oh how we were deceived.

I had some hopes for this game, as lets face it, we are veteran platformers in house Shiney. So when we first saw the blurb of how many people had managed to complete it, we saw a challenge. You know, challenges are supposed to be challenging and achievable.

We were lured in with a false sense of security by the music and ye olde graphics, we were hopeful. That was until we started trying to jump.

There is no skill required for this game, just a level of perseverance and patience that are awarded to a special few (in case this 5%) who seemingly have nothing better to do than torture themselves in a self flagellation kind of way.

We figured out this first part fairly easily, but it was the second ‘level/section’ whatever, where it just felt like you been handed a chocolate cake and only on your first bite did you realise it was in fact a turd pie.

Duck hated this game so much he nearly broke my controller in a fit of rage. And he isn’t alone, look at half the steam reviews and you will see not only sanities were sacrificed at this 8-bit alter but also keyboards too.

China bans a popular rage comics website for making fun of a communist hero  - The Verge

On doing some research I found out this game was supposed to be a parody of the events that occurred in the war of Reddit vs Wall Street. Parody’s are supposed to be fucking funny, or fun, or have some element of sarcastic joyful glee – there is no fun here. It was never here. It lied, like the man with the white van that’s supposed to have sweets and puppies, IT WAS ALL JUST A RUSE.

We can pinpoint exactly where we lost the will to live with this game, it was when we met Melvin, the smug little prick of a hedgehog that was placed between a nope and a fuck that place. Trying to use a clock you couldn’t see to plan for what would always turn into a fall that would start you back at the beginning – and there wasn’t even the solace of killing your little jumping dude. And I wanted him to die, so much.

I have nothing else to say about this game, 11 minutes of sheer fucking bullshittery and futility. Its already been uninstalled.

Shiney Rating
0 paws out of 5

If you want to spend less than a £ to get so enraged you break something you might love, get this. If you want to stitch someone up by gifting them this as you no longer want to be friends (or ladies, if you wanna ditch that man) get this. It serves no other purpose than to incite rage. Its a pile of wank. Please stop making games.

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