HOLY COW! Milking Simulator

Oh keymailer! Finally after a month of asking and tweeting and begging, I finally get this game, my first game from you guys.
I asked for this game after we flooded Renagade Tigger’s twitch chat with cow FACTS (turns out Weejohn is alllll about them cow facts).

Holy Cow! Milking Simulator – SPACE BOAT STUDIOS S.A.

You can watch us hilariously play nearly two hours of it here!

Yes, I said us, do not play this game ALONE – or with kids. Because bull sex is real and it sneaks up on you in level 11.

This game is fucking hilarious. You defend yourself with shit and you need regularly milking (like a horny teenage boy).

Honestly I never would’ve given this game a chance if not for keymailer BUT FUCK ME, its funny and fun. Its the most ridiculous premise for a game, eat grass (ones with flowers count more) and get milked. Fill the milk tanker to gold and survive, level won! I cannot imagine working at the Arla dairy is this fucking stressful to be honest. I have a whole new appreciation for Wagyu and Koby beef, Ohhh the lazy lives they lead.

HOLY COW! Milking Simulator | Nintendo Switch download software | Games |  Nintendo

We played this on PC via Steam, with two plugged in PS4 controllers. Despite the visual prompts being for Xbox (Y, A etc) it works flawlessly with a PlayStation controller, which is a HUGE plus in house Shiney, especially given other recent AAA games such as Deathloop ONLY worked for Xbox controllers.

The controls were intuitive but the mechanics, less so. We kinda skipped the enforced pause prompts because they were a tad annoying and it took us ages to realise POO IS OUR FRIEND. Pausing the gameplay for prompts is not an ADHD ADD gamers friend, they were too intrusive, which is why we skipped them without reading but I am sure the information was invaluable. A tutorial level would have been fucking amazing.

I am glad we started the campaign on NORMAL because fucking hell, knives plus lawnmowers for dodging = utter fucking chaos. I can’t believe the default was to hard, it is not based on ones skill but more like ones ability to dodge hazards. The game doesn’t reward players for going above gold, or any form of tactical milking. There was no incentive on the times we surpassed gold, so we basically hide and run the timer out where we could, or did tactical resurrections & poops.

I do like that you are what you eat, in terms of chilli peppers make you fart fire, boots make you faster etc and I like that the randy non consensual bulls can be useful to map clearance. However, given we ended the first play around level 15/16 I am worried that the 300 level boast will mean this game either gets horrifically repetitive OR unnaturally difficult. With this in mind, how far did the play testing actually go? Have the devs finished their own game?

That’s not to say we found any bugs, crashes or tech issues, if anything it runs better out of the gate than fucking Aliens FTE or Back 4 Blood – and kept us laughing & more entertained than these supposed AAA titles did in our first few hours. In fact as I write this, we are discussing our next stream of it, something not even Deathloop got out of us. I wanna see, what its like to be a cow IN A WHALE.

HOLY COW! Milking Simulator - SteamGridDB

In terms of what its like to stream this game:

Hilarious as fuck
Great with a second player
18+ innuendos for days


Viewer count was sadly in the floor (I was the ONLY person to twitch stream this on the night we played it)
I had 2 unfollows (udderly ridiculous if you ask me)
Repetitive in terms of obstacles per level

This game can currently be picked up for less than £7 in the Steam sale and in house Shineys opinion is well worth a look.
There is no online co-op but for couch co-op laughs, there hasn’t been anything like it for a while. Its a totally different vibe to Mario Party Superstars and I think I found this game funnier and more enjoyable. Duck disagrees (but he is an Nintendo fan boy) but the same time acknowledges previous Mario Party games were better and is also looking forward to out next instalment/sitting/stream of this game.

Shiney rating
3 Paws out of 5

Can’t see how much more originality is left in it for the 200+ levels to go, but it is without bugs and better polished than most AAA games this year – so is well wroth a look.

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